Massacre in MiddleEarth
by hyper squirrel
Summary: WOO HOO! Finally i get to post an LOTR fic. i LOVE LOTR! go sméagol! Ya um this is funny i wrote it for my english exam this year... FLAMES ALWAYS WELCOME!
1. Massacre of Mirkwood

A/N: Hi! This is my first ever LOTR fic. I absolutely LLLLOOOOOOOOVVVEEEE LOTR and SMEAGOL RULES! Go Sméagol! Woo Hoo! I actually wrote this as a "creative writing essay" for my English exam this year. Hee hee hee! Oh the cleverness of me! You? Yes me! Excuse me! Well, I suppose you helped a bit... (sorry thats from Peter Pan, which I just watched last weekend.) In case you couldn't tell, I like death. A lot.  
  
Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own LOTR, or any of the related trademarks and indicia. I'll come to terms with it sometime. However, I do own the plot, and Leggy's new personality! As well as the 25 cents I've got in my pocket. And the lip gloss I've got in my hand. And the computer I'm typing this on. And- sorry, I'm rambling here. I'll stop now, shall I? Yes, please do. All right then. Ack! Rambling again! Sorry! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!! (I have multiple personalities, and voices in my head. I'm odd that way. Remember, different is GOOD! Ack! Once again I am rambling! I'll just stop now and let you read the story. Or you could just skip the disclaimer. YA okee dokee just read the story before i kill myself rambling.) Ooh a fortune cookie. I ate the fortune. Wow. Thats very...um...odd.  
  
So, without further ado, the story!  
  
The Massacre of Mirkwood By hyper squirrel  
  
Ah, Mirkwood. Lovely place, really. Or at least it was, back when it was called Greenwood. Before the shadow fell, and it became Mirkwood. Before the light disappeared, save for the Elven-lights. Before the giant spiders came.  
  
Thranduil, Elven-King of Mirkwood, and his son, Legolas Greenleaf, were sitting in one of the upper halls of the palace in Mirkwood, eating breakfast one day in the year 120 of the Fourth Age of Gondor, when suddenly, one of Legolas' childhood friends, who had become a lookout on the eastern edge of Mirkwood, ran in, panting.  
  
"King Thranduil, Prince Legolas," he said, bowing quickly. "Men are approaching!"  
  
"Oh goody," said Legolas, grinning stupidly, his eyes crossed. "I wanted to see Aragorn again."  
  
"But, see, that's just it, your Highness," gasped the lookout. "King Elessar is gone, crossed the bar, kicked the bucket, whatever you want to call it, but Eldarion blames YOU, your royal Highness!"  
  
"We must fight!" said Thranduil.  
  
"Fight? What's fight mean, daddy?" asked Legolas.  
  
"It means to whack them with swords and shoot arrows at them," replied Thrandui. To the lookout he said, "Fetch the warriors and my weapons!"  
  
"What about me, daddy?"  
  
"I suppose you could fetch Leggy here a bow and a few arrows, and maybe a sword," said Thranduil, sighing.  
  
The lookout bowed quickly, turned, and ran. Five minutes passed, during which Thranduil thought out battle strategies (very poor ones, might I say) and Legolas twiddled his thumbs, or at least tried to.  
  
Finally the lookout returned, laden with weapons, which he gave to Thranduil and Legolas. Both Thranduil and the lookout had to help Legolas with them. Thranduil showed him how to shoot an arrow. Legolas shot one. There was a cry from behind him.  
  
He'd been holding the bow backwards and had shot the lookout.  
  
"Sorry, Bob," said Legolas, sounding very insincere.  
  
"It's Joe," replied the lookout, before tipping backwards, his eyes glazed over.  
  
"Well, so much for that one," said Thranduil, kicking the lookout's body to the side. "Now on to the battle!"  
  
"What's a battle, daddy?" asked Legolas.  
  
"It's where we fight," replied Thranduil.  
  
"What's fight mean, daddy?"  
  
Thranduil muttered a string of curse words in High-Elven.  
  
"What's that mean, daddy?"  
  
"Never mind. Lets go to battle."  
  
"What's battle, daddy?"  
  
"You're hopeless, you know that?"  
  
"Hopeless? What's hopeless, daddy?"  
  
Clang! Whoosh! Men and Elves alike were falling over dead. Finally, only two Elves were left- Legolas and Thranduil. One of the men ran his sword through Thranduil.  
  
"Daddy! Daddy!" cried Legolas, running out from behind the trees where he had been hiding.  
  
The men decided to watch, as this could prove entertaining. Legolas ran to his father's side.  
  
"Daddy, daddy, speak to me! Daddy!" wailed Legolas, tears streaming down his cheeks.  
  
Thranduil opened his eyes. "Leggy you idiot! This is all your fault!" His eyes closed, his breathing slowed, then finally stopped.  
  
"NOOOOOOO!" howled Legolas. He was cut off mid-howl by a sword being run through his back. He toppled over.  
  
King Eldarion of Gondor removed his sword. He turned to face his remaining men. "Our work here is done. Now, who's up for ice cream?"  
  
"Yay!" yelled all the men.  
  
They all went for ice cream, and Mirkwood lies empty to this day.  
  
THE END  
  
A/N: so, how'd u like it? If you're into Harry Potter, or even if you aren't but have read the books, then read my other fic, Crazy Retarded Harry Stories. It's funny...but beware the m word... they lurk in the most ordinary places, where you wouldn't expect to see them... like pantries... (not pantys please keep a clean mind) but ya anyways...drink Nestea and take the plunge! Are you with Nestea?? Well , unofficially. Is anyone else home? Yes, say hi to Sam! (hyper squirrel runs away being chased by a short fat hobbit named Sam)  
  
Well, you know the drill, R&R. And remember, with my stories,  
  
FLAMES ARE ALWAYS WELCOME!!!  
  
(bet you don't see that everyday, huh?) 


	2. Massacre Of Moria

A/N: Well hello again! I'm surprised you're reading this at all. Did you like the last chapter, hm???  
  
Disclaimer : Anyone who thinks I own LOTR can go to the Houses of Healing in Minas Tirith for a REALITY CHECK!  
  
And now, chappie #2! I'm amazed I've made it this far! Yay!  
  
The Massacre of Moria By hyper squirrel  
  
Moria. Land of the dwarves. Well, it was, until what became known as...The Massacre of Moria...  
  
Our story begins on a cold, rainy Tuesday. Well, it might have been warm and sunny, or warm and rainy, or cold and sunny, or warm and snowing, but it was definitely a Tuesday. No, a Thursday. Wait a minute- Saturday. No- Oh, I don't know. Let's start this over.  
  
Our story begins on a day. Or was it a night? Argh! Ok, well, anyways, Gloín and his son Gimli were mining mithril, singing, "Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to work we go," and then whistling, and then repeating it. Over and over and over. It got very annoying.  
  
Suddenly Joe, the lookout at the Great Gate of Moria, ran in.  
  
"Sirs," he said, bowing quickly. "Men approach. And they are in a foul mood!"  
  
Tears filled Gimli's eyes. "I wish Leggy were still alive," he sniffed. "We could have played a game to see who could kill the most men." He broke down crying.  
  
The lookout went and hugged Gimli to comfort him. Suddenly he was aware of Gloín staring.  
  
"What?" asked the lookout.  
  
Gloín replied, "Do you realize how gay that looks?"  
  
Gimli stood up tall (which didn't do much seeing as he was only four feet tall, being a dwarf and all) and said, "Father, we've something to tell you. Joe and I are-"  
  
Just then Eldarion burst in, followed by about a hundred men, and ran his sword through Gimli.  
  
"-homosexual," Gimli finished. He toppled forwards.  
  
The lookout dropped to his knees and burst into tears. "Why? Why?" he screamed at the sky. (A/N: Hey, I'm a poet and don't I know it!)  
  
Eldarion sighed. "Not another whiny idiot. You're just like that pathetic Elf I killed in Mirkwood." He ran his sword through the lookout.  
  
"Why?" Joe croaked one last time, then croaked. (literally and figuratively)  
  
A whole bunch of other dwarves came running. The men sliced their heads off, until every dwarf in Moria was dead.  
  
Eldarion turned to his men. "Great work, team!" he said, giving them all high fives. "Now on to Rivendell!"  
  
"But sir," spoke up one of the men in the back with a pathetic, high- pitched, squeaky voice. "You promised."  
  
A murmur of assent passed through the army. Eldarion sighed.  
  
"Fine," he said. "Pizza first, then on to Rivendell for some regicide!"  
  
"Yay!" yelled all the men.  
  
They all went for pizza, and Moria lies empty to this day.  
  
THE END  
  
A/N: Not bad, eh? I wrote this yesterday when I was sick in bed. Yep, poor me... but I got to stay home from school and sleep, so therefore it wasn't all that bad. And NO, I was not skipping.  
  
In case you're wondering, regicide is the killing of a king or ruler. Does that give you some hint of who's next? Hm?  
  
So as always R&R, please and thankyou (or peas and corn, whichever you prefer)  
  
Guess what's in my pants! I'd rather not. Ketchup! It's probably the only thing in your pants. What was that? Nothing, nothing... sorry thats from my friend I like black stuff's story called Camp Magick... i suggest you read it and figure out why Ron is asking Hermione to guess what's in his pants and then telling her its ketchup....  
  
FLAMES ARE ALWAYS WELCOME! 


	3. Regicide in Rivendell

A/N: Once again I am back! Whether or not you like it! So live with it!  
  
Disclaimer: if I owned LOTR, would I be writing fanfiction?  
  
And now, the chappie! Yay!  
  
Regicide in Rivendell By hyper squirrel  
  
King Eldarion of Gondor and his men rode slowly towards Rivendell. They were full of pizza. Finally they reached Rivendell. Elrond was standing on a podium, giving a speech of some sort. Eldarion ran up to Elrond and sliced his head off.  
  
"Oh my God! You killed Elrond!" came a voice from the back of the crowd of Elves. (A/N: think "oh my God! You killed Kenny!" from south park)  
  
Eldarion approached the podium. "Hi, I'm Eldarion, and I just killed your king." He waved at the crowd. "I'd like to thank my makeup artist, my personal trainer-"  
  
"BOO!" yelled the crowd.  
  
"-my hairstylist-"Eldarion continued. The Elves threw rotten tomatoes at him.  
  
"-and we're going to kill you too," Eldarion finished.  
  
"Aaah!" yelled the Elves.  
  
Eldarion and his men killed them all, a head here, a stab there, maybe a whack, well you get the point. They did this until no Elf was left in Rivendell.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
A/N: ya so I'm not finished this part of the story it's kinda a 2part story. This chappie & the next. In case you haven't realized, the whole plot is that Eldarion blames everything that's not Man for the death of his father and so wants to rid Middle-Earth of them. So hes going around killing things until only men are left but at the end there's going to be a surprise for the men.... 


	4. Incineration of Imladris

A/N: okee dokee, this is part 2 of the Rivendell bit of the story. Its funny if I do say so myself.  
  
Disclaimer: JRR Tolkien...need I say more?  
  
Okay I'll just get to the story now because I'm sure you're all anxious to read more of Eldarion and his men's crazy killing spree... I know I am, and I wrote it! Once again...rambling...must have squirrel...pippin that was my favourite vase!...you'll be sorry you ever superglued my axe to my boxers...lets silly string Eomer...no rum for you Celeborn...party at Galadriel's!...drinks all around! Rambling...once more...maybe I need a psychiatrist who will feed me candy...but then I ramble more when I've had candy...I'm on another sugar high...can you tell?  
  
The Incineration of Imladris By hyper squirrel  
  
Eldarion and his men looked proudly at the carnage- bodies piled in the streets.  
  
"PU, what a stink," said one of the men, waving his hand in front of his nose.  
  
"Well, there's only one way to deal with that," said a second.  
  
"What's that?" asked a third.  
  
"Bury 'em all," replied the second.  
  
"Nah, that'd take too long," said Eldarion.  
  
"Well then, what do you suggest we do then, hm?" asked a fourth man.  
  
"Well," Eldarion said slowly. "Since we're here, and nobody's going to live here after this, and we need to get rid of this horrible stench, why not burn the place down?"  
  
"Yay!" yelled all the men. They ran from house to house, igniting them with torches. Then they rode away from the flaming wreckage. Eldarion reached into his saddlebags and pulled out a portable freezer.  
  
"Who wants a Popsicle?" he asked.  
  
They all had Popsicles, and Rivendell lies empty to this day.  
  
THE END  
  
A/N: Sorry its so short, that's just the way the story goes.  
  
Next up, The Elimination of the Ents! Includes: chainsaws, bonfires, Indian war dances, and most importantly, pagan rituals involving the sacrifice of chikkins! (sorry that's just my way of spelling chikkins)  
  
So R&R and remember,  
  
FLAMES ARE ALWAYS WELCOME! 


End file.
